Mean girls are difficult to identify because their acts of bullying can be discreet and anonymous. Consider gossip, where rumors start and spread. If your daughter is being gossiped about, it’s unlikely she knows exactly who or where the rumors started. She may be able to make a guess, but usually, there is no proof. Exclusion or rejection are similar. If a group of girls excludes or rejects her, it is difficult to pinpoint the instigator. “Mean girls” take advantage of social media to bully their targets anonymously and share inappropriate images, comments, or stories, with no recourse for the victim. At worst, these unfortunate events happen simultaneously, making it feel impossible to escape.
Relational Aggression has serious repercussions. The victims often have trouble forming and maintaining friendships. They experience feelings of loneliness, shame, doubt, sadness, and anxiety. Research has indicated that victims of indirect bullying or Relational Aggression are more likely to experience depression, suicidal ideation, and engage in risky sexual behavior. Often, their school performance is impacted and their GPA drops.
During my career as a teacher and now as a coach, I have seen firsthand how girls are impacted by “mean girls.”
Tiffany, one of my first coaching clients, feared going to high school. Her best friend had turned on her and joined another group. Out of nowhere, Tiffany heard her classmates calling her a “whore” and “slut.” She couldn’t figure it out, and she couldn’t escape it. Similar rumors started to spread on social media, along with pictures of her and her ex-boyfriend of two years ago. Tiffany guessed the ex-boyfriend was involved too. She guessed that her ex-best friend was jealous and therefore motivated to hurt her. Her parents reinforced this idea and encouraged her to hold her head high and go to school. But school was torture for Tiffany. She sat alone. In class, she feared everyone was talking about her, and she began finding it hard to focus. She started to doubt her ability to make new friends and trust anyone ever again. At home, even though she knew it would make her feel worse, she was drawn to social media, and again and again, her heart sank when she saw the negative comments her peers posted about her. She felt even more isolated when she saw pictures of classmates and other girls having fun at parties and other social gatherings while she sat at home, alone. This carried on for months!
Schedule your free discovery call today
Some parents dismiss this kind of behavior as just “girl drama” or “girls being girls.” They chalk it up to jealousy and tell their teens to be strong. But this kind of experience cannot be minimized. The impacts of Relational Aggression are far-reaching and girls need to be prepared to handle it or avoid it.
In the next blog, you’ll learn why Relational Aggression happens and how to help.
FAQs: Relational Aggression and Mean Girl Bullying
How do I know if my daughter is being targeted by a mean girl or experiencing Relational Aggression?
It can be hard to know when/if your daughter is being targeted by a mean girl or experiencing Relational Aggression. Relational Aggression is subtle and often invisible to adults.
Noticeable signs include:
- Sudden withdrawal
- Avoidance or attempts to avoid school
- Changes friend groups
- Obsessivly checking social media
- Anxiety around peers
- Unexplained sadness
- A sudden drop in grades
Your daughter may mention feeling left out, ignored, embarrassed, or talked about but often she won’t know where the behavior started or who is behind it. If she seems lonely, ashamed, or distressed without a clear reason, discreet bullying may be happening.
What is the difference between normal “girl drama” and Relational Aggression?
Normal friendship conflict is temporary, direct, and usually resolved with communication.
Relational Aggression is intentional, ongoing, and designed to damage a girl’s social standing or self-esteem. Relational Aggression includes gossip, exclusion, silent treatment, rumor spreading, and digital harassment. When the behavior is repeated, anonymous, or causes emotional harm, it’s no longer drama, it’s Relational Aggression, and it requires support, not dismissal.
What should I do if my daughter is experiencing Relational Aggression?
If your daughter is experiencing Relational Aggression, your support is critical. Start by validating her experience and letting her know you believe her. Avoid minimizing the situation or telling her to “ignore it” or “be strong.” These responses can deepen shame. Encourage her to talk through what’s happening, and help her name her feelings. Then, support her in setting boundaries, reducing exposure to harmful social media spaces, and identifying friendships that feel safe and trustworthy. Life coaching can help her rebuild confidence and develop effective coping skills.
Why do girls behave this way?
Girls resort to Relational Aggression for a variety of reasons. Very often, Relational Aggression stems from insecurity, jealousy, social competition, or a desire for power within a peer group. Girls who use these behaviors tend to fear losing status or feel threatened by another girl’s confidence, friendships, or achievements. Sometimes, Relational Aggression is a reaction to social or internal pressure to be perfect. Understanding the motivations doesn’t excuse the behavior but it does help your daughter depersonalize it and protect her emotional wellbeing.
When should I seek professional help for my daughter?
Life coaching is an excellent way to support your daughter in developing healthy friendships and avoiding Relational Aggression or mean girls.
If it has gotten to the point where your daughter is experiencing ongoing sadness, anxiety, social withdrawal, changes in sleeping or eating, eclining grades, or loss of interest in activities she once enjoyed, it’s time to get support. Life coaching can help her rebuild confidence and self-esteem, develop resilience, and learn skills to navigate peer dynamics safely. Outside support also relieves pressure on the parent-child relationship when emotions are high.
Thank You Erica! This is happening right now to my daughter and it’s breaking my heart! She is worried about school today and fears that she will not have any friends to sit with. 8th Grade SUCKS!
Hi Michele,
Thank you for your comment. I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter’s experience with mean girls. It is one of the hardest things for girls to go through (and heartbreaking for any parent to watch.)
I can help! Feel free to schedule a free discovery call and we can talk about strategies that will help.
Thank you Erica-we are going through this right now. I need to reconnect with you.
Oh no! I am sorry to hear this. Please reconnect so we can resume her coaching sessions :)