For teenage girls, making and keeping healthy relationships can be challenging. The very nature of teen girl friendships can create complications that bring into question a teen’s sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Adding to that is the elaborate world of social media, which has significantly altered the way teen girls connect, communicate, and hurt each other. 

For over twelve years I have been coaching girls in the area of friendships. I help them learn how to navigate social challenges so they can build supportive, loyal connections.

Through my conversations with girls, I’ve noted six main hurdles that teen girls encounter on their social journey. 

1. Fitting in.  

During the teen years, fitting in is a top priority.  Girls want to feel they are accepted, welcomed, and valued by a group.  While the desire to fit in is natural, finding where they fit can be problematic.  Girls will often take unhealthy risks or act out of alignment with their true selves in an attempt to fit in, which almost always leads to negative results.  They may be called names, like “try hard” or “pick me.”  Their risky behavior can get them into trouble.  The effort they put into being someone they are not for the sake of fitting in can leave them exhausted and heavy-hearted.  

2. Making friends.

For many girls, making friends can also be challenging.  Some are afraid to take the first step to build a friendship out of fear they will be rejected, say the wrong thing, or appear stupid.  Some lack an understanding of how friendships begin and deepen over time.  They think all friendships should be easy and when they are not, they are quick to give up.  When making friends is hard, girls may opt to isolate, telling themselves it’s easier to be alone than take any social risk.  Sometimes they look for friends online, where a sense of anonymity can make them feel safe. 

3. Triangular Friendships.

 When girls find their friend group, some land in a triangular friendship, or a group of three.  While this dynamic can be joyful and supportive, it very often leads to one person in the group feeling excluded or caught in the middle.    

4. Frenimies. 

This term refers to someone who pretends to be a friend but under the surface, is a rival.  Sometimes girls will refer to this person as toxic. On the surface, they are friendly and act as though they care, but in reality, they do not have kind, friendly intentions.  Between the smiles and niceties, they may drop a hurtful comment, sneak in an eye-roll, or use a sharp tone.  Frienemies will almost always leave girls feeling unsupported, unseen, sad, or confused.  

5. Social media.

Social media has totally transformed girl friendships.  While it can be a venue for girls to stay connected, celebrate their friendships, and share memorable experiences, it can also damage connections and ruin a teen’s self-esteem. 

Girls often measure their self-worth through likes, shares, comments, and rankings.  Many have 24/7 access to their friends’ whereabouts, making it easy to find out if they have been left out.  This “always on” access has made it much easier for girls to obsess about their friendships and lose sight of other responsibilities and joys in their lives!  

At worst, social media has become a venue for relational aggression, which is one of the hardest and most damaging social experiences for any teen girl.  

What is Relational Aggression?

Relational Aggression (RA) is the term used to describe behaviors intended to damage another person’s relationships or social status.  It is common amongst teen girls because social connections and social standing are so critical to them.  When a girl wants to exert power and control or hurt another person,  she will typically resort to RA because it targets another person’s feelings, friendships, or social status.  

Relational aggression includes the following behaviors: 

1. Exclusion 
2. Gossip
3. Backstabbing
4. Manipulation
5. Name-calling
6. Online attacks 

This includes posting negative comments, sharing another person’s private photos, or making anonymous threats.  When it happens online, RA can be hard to detect because girls can create fake accounts and behave aggressively with very little risk or retaliation or consequences. 

When a teen girl goes through an experience of relational aggression, it can have widespread effects.  She is very likely to start questioning and blaming herself.  She may be distracted at school, or want to avoid school altogether. She may become depressed, anxious, aggressive, or defiant.  

Whether your daughter is dealing with relational aggression, having a hard time making friends or fitting in, navigating a triangular friendship, or faced with a frenemy, she needs support.  Through teen life coaching, she will learn tools, strategies, and mindsets that will promote her confidence, conflict resolution skills, and healthy social connections.  Schedule a free discovery session to find out more!