“Honestly, I am so sick of my daughter’s constant disrespect.”
“She only talks to me when she wants something!”
“Why would I want to do anything for her when she is nothing but rude to me?!”
Sound familiar? You’re not alone.
Many parents grow frustrated with their teen’s pushback, selfishness, and disrespect. At times, it may feel like the only choice is to stop trying. But, giving up on your teen is detrimental and heartbreaking. If you want to maintain a strong, supportive relationship with your teenager, there is a better way!
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It’s all about a reframe so you can show up as the calm, supportive parent that you are. Reframing starts with recognizing what’s behind your teen’s harsh comments, those that push your buttons and, naturally trigger your strong reactions. Typically your teen’s frustrating behavior and hurtful comments are not intended to push you away or upset you. They come out because she doesn’t have the words or awareness to express what she really needs. Teens have not yet developed emotional regulation skills. When you can identify the real message or need, it’s much easier to stay calm and respond in a way that strengthens your parent-teen connection and helps her develop self-supporting skills and mindsets.
Here are a few examples of parent-teen connection building responses:
| When your teen says…. | What she really means is… | Relationship-building parent response |
|---|---|---|
| You don’t know anything!
| I need you to support me in figuring things out on my own.
| You’re right. I didn’t mean to assume I know exactly what you are going through. Can you help me understand?
|
I hate you!
| I need you to tell me you love me and assure me I am OK!
| I know you’re angry. Things will change. You can get through this. I love you. |
I can do whatever I want!
| I need you to trust me. I need to have some control over my life.
| I’d like to give you more freedom and responsibilities. Let’s talk about how that can happen. |
| You’re so mean! All of the other parents let their teens… | I am worried about being left out. | I know it seems mean. I understand you want to do/have XYZ like your friends. I don’t want you to feel left out. Let’s have a calm conversation and try to find a middle ground that works for both of us. * |
*This response is effective if the rule or boundary you set is flexible and you are willing to negotiate. For non-negotiables, you may say something like, I know it doesn’t make sense to you right now and it’s ok that you’re upset. This rule/boundary is important because… . In time, it might change but for now, it is not negotiable.
It is also important to talk with your teen about respect. When you are both calm, take some time to talk about how you each show respect and feel respected. Offer her insight into ways she can express intense feelings without being hurtful or disrespectful. Remind her that feelings are OK but certain responses are not.
Maintaining a strong parent-teen connection depends on managing your triggers, looking beyond the surface of your teen’s words, and clarifying the role of respect in your relationship.
This is excellent! I love the “what she really means” column. So hard to remember in the heat of the moment, and so true.