Teenage emotions are described as a tidal wave for a reason-   they arrive as a sudden, intense, and overwhelming swell!  As teens develop self-awareness, they try to understand these new emotions but often don’t know how to respond to some of the intense feelings they are experiencing.  Before she realizes it, your teen may be flying off the handle, breaking down in tears, or rejecting your caring support.  When she’s in an erratic state, you might wonder what to do. 

These eight dos and don’ts provide you with a good start on how to deal with teenage emotions:

• Do talk about all feelings.

Many parents focus solely on happiness.  While happiness is important, it is equally important to give attention and space to other feelings.  When happiness is viewed as the ultimate goal, any other feelings can cause your teen to question, Why don’t I feel happy all the time?  This mindset can make other feelings worse because there is an added component of shame and the belief, I’m not supposed to feel this way. Something must be wrong with me.   Help your teen see that all feelings are an important and normal part of the human experience. 

• Do model appropriate emotional expression.

Teens are learning how to process and express strong feelings.  Talking about feelings and modeling how you process strong feelings will help your daughter normalize and gain a sense of control over powerful teenage emotions.  When you feel a surge of sadness, disappointment, anger, or rage, express it in a constructive way so your teen learns how to do the same. 

• Do use non-verbal communication. 

Sometimes words get lost on teens, especially if they are in an emotional state. Your words are likely to go in one ear and out the other.  During these times, it is more effective to show you are listening and value her feelings and experiences through eye contact, physical touch, and gentle gestures.   

• Do reflect back on what you hear.  

When you offer a verbal response, keep it simple and focused on what your teen is saying or how you see her feeling.  You can say: So, you’re feeling.…because…. Do I have it right?  It is also helpful to affirm the feelings she’s showing, by saying, It makes sense that you’re feeling….  

• Do ask selective What questions. 

Supporting your emotional teen does not mean avoiding questions altogether, but it does mean being mindful of the number and types of questions you ask.  Typically “why”  questions can lead to frustration. Teens don’t always know the answer to “why,” especially when they are under the influence of strong feelings.  Try using “what” questions instead as they tend to solicit a more concrete response. A few examples include: 

What’s most important now? 

What will help? 

What choices do you have? 

• Don’t ask a lot of questions.

Under the best circumstances, teens don’t like being asked a lot of questions.  When they are feeling an intense emotion, more questions can further emotional distress or cause your teen to shut you out. 

• Don’t overreact.

Your teen’s strong feelings may trigger anger, frustration, worry, fear, or sadness.  While your emotional reaction is valid and natural, it’s important to show up to your teen with a balanced, even temper. An intense emotional reaction from you translates to an overreaction and can lead your teen to feel that things are worse than they are. 

• Don’t make assumptions or sweeping judgments. 

Your teen will be quick to anger and shut down if you jump to conclusions and make blanket assumptions or judgments.  Make an effort to reframe your statements and opinions into questions that show your teen that you are open to hearing more and not convinced you are right.  You might use sentences like: 

It seems like…  

What appears to be happening is… 

Tell me if this is right….   

Ultimately, when it comes to handling strong feelings, teens need a calm sounding board and effective tools that help them process the feelings without developing unhealthy habits or negative fixed beliefs.   You can create a foundation from which she develops the skills and mindsets that lead to balance and wisdom but you don’t have to go at it alone.  

Parent coaching will provide you with a supportive outlet to process your feelings and learn the best way to support your teen. 

Teen life coaching can help your teen build a toolbox of life skills that support confidence, emotional intelligence, and so much more! 

Schedule a free discovery session to learn about my teen and parent coaching programs.