If you aren’t talking with your teen about sex and dating, who will? 

Many teens will turn to online resources for answers to their questions or look to their peers and social media influencers to determine what is “normal” dating behavior is. Both have the potential to steer them away from their values and into harmful romantic territory.  

Although talking with your teen daughter about sex and dating can be difficult, these conversations are critical to helping your daughter build awareness of her relationship values and boundaries.

The more awareness she develops, the more confident and thoughtful she will be in her approach to romantic relationships. This guide will help you lean into the discomfort and build your daughter’s “sex and dating toolbox.” 

Step 1: Check in with yourself

Simply thinking about your teen and anything related to sex and dating can be emotionally triggering.  Talking with her about it can ignite fear, worry, and trepidation.  These are normal reactions but not helpful to having a productive conversation with your daughter.  Before you approach her, check in with yourself.  If your emotions are intense, take a few deep breaths, give yourself a positive affirmation, journal your feelings, or talk with a trusted friend or family member.  If possible, give yourself a supportive outlet, like a parent coach, who can help you process your feelings and provide you strategies to approach your teen with insight and neutrality. 

Step 2:  Set the Stage 

The quality of communication between you and your daughter forms long before you talk with her about sex and dating.  There are a number of ways you can create an environment where she feels comfortable talking with you about intimacy and relationships.

When you are ready to engage in these delicate conversations with your daughter, you can encourage her engagement, comfort, and receptivity by:

• Asking open-ended questions.
• Listening more than you talk.
• Being curious about her feelings and opinions and open to understanding her point of view. 
• Validating her feelings and opinions, even if you don’t understand or agree.  
• Avoid scare tactics and share facts in a neutral manner. 

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Step 3:  Get Beyond the Basics

Teens have access to a lot of information so it’s more than likely your daughter knows the basics.  As she reveals what she knows, look for places to explore further or provide her with more information.  Seize opportunities to extend the conversation beyond the basics and toward the more nuanced aspects of sex, dating, and relationships.  These include: 

• Emotional readiness 
• Healthy v unhealthy relationships 
• Respect 
• Boundaries 
• Consent 

Step 4: Keep the Conversation Going 

Check in frequently and gently, remembering to show your daughter that no matter what, she has your unconditional support.  An open-minded, neutral approach sends her the message that she can talk with you about her questions, fears, and experiences without fear of judgment, punishment, or shame.

Step 5:  Provide Support 

Even with the right approach, when it comes to sex and dating, there will be things your daughter won’t share with you.  For this reason, make sure she knows where to turn for support.  Although friends are wonderful, they simply don’t have the experience to provide her with sound advice.  She will benefit from having a trusted adult, like an extended family member or a life coach, with whom she can confide and receive wise guidance.