It’s a new year, so why not kick it off with some meaningful shifts in your parenting? The following practices will encourage open, honest communication and make parenting your teenage daughter more rewarding and connected.

1.Respond, don’t react.  

One reason your teen might avoid opening up to you is because she fears she will upset you or cause you to worry.  She may also want to avoid telling you something that she fears will change the way you see her or her friends. To avoid having your teen shut down,  practice responding, rather than reacting.  This means you do your best to remain calm and neutral, no matter what. If your teen shares something that sparks a strong feeling, take a deep breath and ground yourself.  This creates a comfortable and safe environment for your teen to share.  It also shows your teen how she can control her own reactions and express strong feelings in a calm way. 

2. Ask before you advise. 

It’s tempting to solve your teen’s problems or offer advice, but this is more likely to make her feel inadequate and annoyed.  So, rather than jumping in to share advice or offer solutions, ask her if she would like to know what you think.  This will communicate a powerful message that you see her as capable and competent. It also demonstrates a level of respect that strengthens your relationship and encourages her to open up more. Plus, when you ask and she says “yes” she will be much more receptive to your perspective and guidance. 

3. Listen more than you talk. 

If you really want to understand your teen, listen to understand.  This means, as she shares, you are not thinking of what to say next.  Nor are you judging or jumping to conclusions.  Instead, you are curious and tuning into what it is like to be her. A response that shows you are listening to understand is: What I hear you saying is… and you feel… Is that right?  Your efforts to understand your teen’s point of view and experiences will invite her to share willingly and honestly.  

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4. Keep it to yourself. 

You might be tempted to talk with your friends about what your teen is going through.  In an effort to help, you might even consider involving other parents.  While doing so may give you a sense of relief and support, it will almost always damage trust between you and your teen. If you want to keep the lines of communication open, don’t tell your friends what your teen shares.  If you need to process or get support, seek a neutral party. A parent-coach can be a secure resource that can help you gain a helpful perspective and guide your teen through whatever she is facing.  

5. Minimize questions.

No teen enjoys feeling like she is under investigation.  Although your questions may be benign, asking question after question is likely to make your teen feel stressed out and overwhelmed.  When parenting a teenage daughter, try to ask minimal questions and when possible, rather than questioning, make a simple request: Tell me more about… 

6. Validate and reassure. 

When you validate your teen’s feelings and experiences, you show her you understand. When your teen feels that you understand, she will be more likely to share.  When you replace advice with reassurance that she can figure things out and has what it takes to get through challenges, she senses your trust in her ability to problem solve.  She will feel more confident.  Another part of reassurance is reminding her that while you trust she can figure things out, you are always available to support her and offer suggestions.