The jump from middle school to high school can create strong feelings, for both parents and teens. Parents may recall their own high school years as a stage of defiance and experimentation.  Adding to that are the realities of today: 

• Vaping is everywhere, teens are hiding in school bathrooms and concealing their vape devices from their parents.  Some teens vape nicotine, others marijuana. 
• Academic demands are higher than ever, often triggering extreme stress for teens. 
• Social media is not only a distraction but also a source of comparison, bullying, and anxiety.  

It’s no wonder parents are concerned about what the high school years will bring. Many wonder:

Will my teen be able to prioritize school and stay ahead? 

Does she have the tools to manage stress and anxiety? 

Does she have the mental strength to stand up to peer pressure? 

Will she find the right crowd? 

Your teen has similar fears and questions about high school. She knows her life is about to get reorganized- academic demands will increase and her social world will change.  These are just a few concerns I’ve heard from teens who are preparing for high school or in high school:

Grades really start to matter. It’s a lot of pressure! 

I know a lot of my friends are already talking about vaping, sex, and parties. I’m not really sure I’m ready.  

Will I make good friends? Where will I fit? 

My parents just don’t get it. 

You may have heard some of your daughter’s worries and wonder how you can help make the high school years a positive growth experience. You can! Follow these tips. 

Make agreements. 

During high school, your teenage daughter will be exposed to new social media platforms, parties, drugs, drinking, and sex.  Be proactive and talk about what she is likely to experience.  Ask your daughter about her thoughts and fears.  Answer any questions she has.  Most importantly, create clear agreements around rules and expectations. This will provide a framework to guide her as she navigates a new and often confusing social world. 

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Be a stable resource (or provide one). 

During the high school years, it’s not unusual for a teen to fluctuate between fierce independence and childlike dependence.  Expect your daughter to pull away from you, tell you you don’t know anything, or avoid sharing parts of her life.  While this can be hard, it is normal and an important part of becoming independent.   Consider that your job as a parent is to help pave her way to healthy, happy, responsible adulthood.  Part of that job requires providing support so she can develop life skills and feel good about who she is and what she values. Always be available to listen with an intention of understanding her point of view.  Avoid judging or offering to solve her problems. Instead, encourage her to problem-solve, by asking questions like:

What choices do you have? 

What do you think are the best next steps? 

Would you like my help?  

Remember the goal is to help her feel confident in her ability to handle the ups and downs of high school.  If she is pulling away from you or rejecting your support, consider providing her with a resource, like a life coach or counselor. A person you trust, and who has the experience and expertise to guide her toward confidence, competence, and capability. 

Watch your reactions. 

One of the main reasons teens avoid sharing with their parents during high school is that they fear you will misunderstand or overreact.  It’s important to remember that your high school experience is not the same as her high school experience. As much as you can, avoid inserting your “When I was a teen” story or becoming overly emotional when she shares.  Remain neutral and curious.  Model how you regulate your emotions so she learns to do the same. And, instead of assuming you know, ask her, What I hear you saying is….and you feel…   Is that right? 

There’s no way to predict what high school will bring for your teen but by fostering a safe home environment and nurturing a trusting relationship, you create a solid foundation from which your teen can lean into challenges knowing her boundaries and trusting she can rely on your support and guidance.