Relational Aggression is the most common way girls bully each other.  In an attempt to harm another person’s social status or relationships, they will use subtle yet painful tactics, including gossip, exclusion, and threats.  In this blog, you’ll learn why RA happens, what drives these behaviors, and how you can help your daughter rise above it. 

Why Relational Aggression Happens Among Teen Girls

If you’ve ever watched your daughter struggle with gossip, exclusion, or social manipulation, you’ve witnessed Relational Aggression. It’s likely left you heartbroken and wondering, Why are girls so mean?!

The answer lies in both development and environment.

A Developmental Desire to Belong

During adolescence, acceptance and belonging are two of the strongest psychological needs, especially for girls.  When their sense of acceptance and belonging feel threatened, some girls may resort to excluding, gossiping, or trying to turn friends against each other.  What looks like intentional meanness is often driven by insecurity and a misguided attempt to be accepted. 

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The Quest for Identity and Power

Teen girls are developing their sense of self.  As their self-awareness deepens, they also become acutely aware of others, especially their peers.  During this time, the tendency to compare themselves intensifies and comparison can lead to jealousy. Whether it’s related to another girl’s talents, achievements, appearance, or number of friends, when driven by jealousy, girls will often resort to Relational Aggression.  Rather than dealing with their feelings in a healthy way, they respond with put downs, rumors, or an attempt to humiliate the other.  

Girls can also use their social group to test their power and influence.  When girls feel a lack of control in areas of their life, they may try to control their social dynamics.  When they feel “small” in other areas, they will go to great lengths to protect their perceived position on the social ladder.  This can show up as naming who’s in and who’s out or using tactics like exclusion, gossip, or manipulation to sustain a sense of superiority.

Whether related to jealousy or power, these acts of Relational Aggression often emerge when girls lack self-worth, a sense of agency, and/or emotional intelligence. 

Emotional Development and Communication Skills

Teen girls are learning how to manage complex emotions like jealousy, insecurity, embarrassment, and frustration. Without the skills to name or express those feelings, girls may act them out instead. Relational Aggression is often a way to release discomfort without being vulnerable. It’s like an emotional shortcut.

For instance, it’s easier to gossip than admit feeling threatened. It’s safer to give the silent treatment than acknowledge hurt feelings.  

Building self-awareness and emotional intelligence helps girls understand and process their feelings so they can respond to complicated feelings and social challenges in healthier ways.

Cultural Pressures and Comparison

From social media to school, girls are growing up in a world that constantly measures them against each other.  The pressure to be pretty enough, popular enough, and successful enough can lead to competition and comparison.

When girls internalize these pressures, friendships can become performance-based instead of authentic. Relational Aggression thrives in that kind of environment because girls see each other as rivals rather than allies.

Helping Your Daughter Rise Above It

Now that you know why Relational Aggression occurs, the next step is helping your daughter deal with it or avoid it.  The keys are supporting the development of her self-awareness, self-esteem, emotional intelligence, and communication skills.

Life coaching promotes all four. Plus, through coaching, your daughter learns practical tools to respond to Relational Aggression or friendship changes in a way that supports her self-esteem and the formation of healthy friendships. 

If you’re ready to learn more about coaching and see if it’s a good fit for your daughter, schedule a free Discovery Session.  

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