How often have you heard your teen say: 

“You never listen!” 

“You just don’t understand!” 

While these sentiments are often charged with sarcasm and exaggeration, they highlight a disconnect within parent-teen communication. Parents try their best to show that they support and understand what their teens are going through but teens almost always disagree and insist their parents get it wrong.  This dynamic makes it very difficult to have meaningful dialogue (and a strong connection) with your teen.  It weakens the lines of communication and eats away at your relationship. 

The key to a better relationship with your teen lies in changing the way you listen.  

To change the way you listen, first identify your listening style.  Most parents fall into one of these three listening styles:

1. Listening to gather information.  

Parents who listen to gather information tend to ask a lot of questions. This can lead a teen to feeling overwhelmed and to react by shutting down. 

2. Listening for a problem to solve or a lesson to teach.  

Parents who focus on solving problems or teaching life lessons are quick to offer a solution or advice. While this comes from a loving place, it can cause a teen to feel her parents see her as inadequate and incapable of figuring things out.     

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3. Listening based on their own assumptions, beliefs, or fears.  

Parents who are tuned into their own assumptions, beliefs or fears aren’t really listening at all. They are quick to judge, criticize, or overreact,  leaving their teen feeling invalidated and worried!  

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While sometimes it’s necessary to listen to gather information or solve a problem, it’s rarely helpful to listen while distracted by your own assumptions, beliefs, or fears.

The most helpful way to listen and the way of listening that strengthens the parent-teen bond and supports your teen’s independence, is listening to understand.  

Parents who listen to understand are present, calm, and often, say very little.  They affirm their teen, validate her feelings, offer encouragement, and ask if she’d like support or solutions.  Listening to understand makes teens more receptive and likely to seek your advice, rather than reject it.   By asking if your teen would like your help or ideas for solutions, you show you trust her to figure things out, which supports her confidence and belief in herself.   Ultimately, when you listen to understand, you give your teen a gift she deeply desires: to feel seen, heard, and understood by you.  You also give yourself the gift of learning more about your teen, which helps you connect and guide her throughout the teen years.