Your daughter’s friendships are central to her life and development.  Through her friendships, she learns who she is, what she values, and how to effectively resolve conflict.  Whether lied to, talked about, or unfairly judged, when your daughter has been betrayed by a friend, you have a chance to help her develop conflict resolution skills. 

Leaning into a conversation intended to resolve a conflict and repair a friendship is one of the hardest steps for teen girls.  After processing her feelings around the initial betrayal and regaining a sense of calm, she may assume that addressing the conflict will only stir up more drama.  The truth is, a conflict between friends or even a betrayal, also presents an opportunity to strengthen the friendship.  

Three Steps to Resolving a Social Conflict 

The way your daughter responds to a social conflict depends on how she feels about the person involved, how important the issue is to her, and what she wants for herself and the friendship. 

1. Reflect. 

Help your daughter consider what this friend means to her and where she sees the friendship going.  You can ask: 

• How much does this friendship matter? 
• Do you see this friend in your life for the long term? 
• Given what you now know about this friend, do you think this is a friendship worth saving or is it time to move on?

2. Decide. 

Your daughter’s answers will reveal if she needs to move on or take steps to save the friendship.  

If it’s time to move on, she may need help processing and letting go of the heavy feelings.  In my coaching practice, I use the Let It Go Letter to help my teen clients express their lingering feelings so they can feel closure. 

The Let It Go letter is also useful if your daughter decides to stay in the friendship because in order to do so, she will need to release any frustration, sadness, or anger. This is a critical step before she takes action to make amends and resolve the social conflict. 

3. Act.

As your daughter processes her feelings, help her determine what is important to share with her friend.  Encourage her to avoid blaming the friend but rather use “I statements” to express how she feels and what she needs.  Remind her that the reason she’s having this conversation with her friend is to deepen understanding so the friendship can strengthen.  It’s not a conversation about proving a point or making the friend feel bad.  

In teen life coaching, my clients learn how to use this frame to express themselves- 

Validate the friendship or person:  I really value our friendship. 

Express how a situation made you feel.  When _____ happened, I felt… 

Share your thoughts or worries.  I started to think/question/wonder… 

Ask to work together:  Can we talk about how to avoid this in the future? 

Another example:  

Validate the friendship or person: Your friendship means so much to me. 

Express how you feel. Recently, I’ve been feeling….. 

Share your thoughts or worries.  I’m not sure what you mean when you….. 

Ask to work together: Can you help me understand what’s going on? 

Although difficult, misunderstandings, conflicts, and betrayals will lead to more wisdom and understanding.  With the proper guidance and support, she will always come out with greater self-awareness, friend awareness, and conflict-resolution skills.  

If your teen is struggling with friends, schedule a free discovery session to learn how coaching will build her social confidence and toolbox of life skills.