Friendships are central to your teenage daughter’s life and an important factor in her development. When she’s been lied to by a friend, left out, talked about, or unfairly judged it can feel as if her world is coming apart.  While a friend betrayal is devastating, it also presents a chance to help your daughter sharpen her friend awareness and conflict resolution skills. 

Friend Betrayal and Friend Awareness 

In order for your daughter to build healthy relationships and navigate teen friendships, she needs friend awareness.  This includes an understanding of her friendships’ values, boundaries, and expectations, as well as an ability to empathize and respond to the values, boundaries, and expectations of others.  When I’m coaching teen girls through a friend betrayal, I help them reflect on what the situation is revealing about themselves and their friendships.  You can use a similar approach at home. The following steps will help your daughter gain a sense of calm and promote her friend-awareness. 

Validate her feelings. 

No matter what the friend’s betrayal is bringing up in her, let her know that her feelings are valid, reasonable, and allowed.  

Provide a calm, non-judgemental space to express her feelings and thoughts.  

Although you might want to jump in and offer her solutions, the better approach is to listen with an open heart and open mind. Unless she is asking for solutions, avoid offering.  If listening to your daughter causes your emotions to rise, consider bringing in additional support.  A teen life coach can be a calm and neutral ally when you feel too reactive or unsure. 

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Begin to build her friend awareness.

As you validate and hold space for your daughter to share, she will start to calm down.  This is the time to highlight the values, boundaries, or expectations you see emerging out of her upset.  You might say something like– 

“I see that honesty is an important value to you. Does that feel right?”   

“You seem to be really clear on what’s not OK with you in a friendship.  Is this a boundary you can express?”  

“It seems like you expect your friends to always tell you when they are doing something with someone else.  How is that working in your friendship?” 

You can also ask your daughter open ended questions that help her identify her friendship values, boundaries and expectations.

“What are you realizing is most important in your friendships?” (Values)

“What are you realizing about how you want to be treated?”
(Boundaries)

“How would you like your friends to show you they care?” (Expectations)

Through these l conversations, you can also help her develop an understanding of her friend’s values, boundaries, and expectations.  Use these questions and share your observations.  

“It seems like your friend really values popularity and the attention from other people.  What do you think?” 

“What do you think is going on for her?” 

“How do you think she’s feeling about herself or about your friendship?” 

“What do you think she’s getting out of acting this way?” 

“Are you realizing anything about her that you didn’t think about before?”  

“What do you think are her boundaries or expectations in your friendship?” 

As your daughter deepens her friend-awareness, she will gain a sense of calm as well as clarity about what’s important to her.  This will help her feel better, but she may still need support to figure out her next steps.  Through teen life coaching, she will gain clarity and confidence that will help her navigate friend(hard)ships. 

In the next blog, you will learn how to teach your daughter effective conflict resolution strategies that work especially well when she’s been hurt by a friend.