Janice, a high-school junior, was afraid to say no to her friends out of fear they would abandon her. 

Neda, a college sophomore, stopped hanging out with her friends and dedicating time to her classes because she wanted to be available for her boyfriend. 

Cara, a high-school senior, always drove her friends around, let them borrow clothes and make-up (which were never returned), and paid for their frequent coffee dates. 

These are examples of how people-pleasing shows up for teenage girls. In an effort to maintain a relationship or gain approval from others, girls will often compromise their values, and push aside their own needs.  People-pleasing can stem from insecurity or fear.  Like Janice and Cara, some teen girls are afraid to say no for fear of losing a friend or being kicked out of a friend group.  In the case of Neda, her insecurity caused her to put her boyfriend above everything else.  She lived in constant worry that if she was not available when he was,  the relationship would end.  

On the surface, people pleasing behaviors can appear as kind and thoughtful, but they are often triggered by fear and worry.  Pleasing people out of personal insecurity can lead teenage girls (and adults) to feel depleted and resentful.

 Signs that your daughter tends toward people-pleasing include: 

• Constant worry about what others think 
• Feeling guilty after saying “no” 
• Always saying “sorry” (when there is nothing to be sorry about) 
• Neglecting her own interests and hobbies in order to give her time and attention to others 
• Low self-esteem and confidence 

If this sounds like your daughter, there are things you can do to help. 

It begins by building her sense of self and confidence.  Girls with a strong connection to their strengths and values are less inclined to compromise for the sake of pleasing others.  With self-confidence, they have the ability to say “no” without guilt. These articles will provide you with tools to promote your daughter’s self-awareness and confidence.  

Schedule Your Free Discovery Call

At the same time, you can help your daughter understand her boundaries and when to say “no.”  At a basic level, boundaries are what she will or will not do. She can learn to set these boundaries when she reflects on how certain choices make her feel.  Take Cara, for example.  Through teen life coaching, she started to realize that every time she let a friend borrow something and it was never returned, she felt frustrated and taken advantage of. These feelings illuminated a boundary- it is not OK for friends to borrow my things without giving them back.  

Next, comes teaching your daughter how to express her boundaries. 

For many teenage people-pleasers, this is the hardest part. They need to overcome the hurdle of fear.   The most common fear is “what if they reject me?”   When I coach girls in overcoming “what-if” fears such as these, we explore the worst-case scenarios. I use the question, “And then what?” to help them dig into the fear and ultimately realize that they can get through and even thrive in almost all worst-case outcomes. They may have to process hurt feelings but ultimately, they will move on with more awareness, wisdom, and strength.    

Another hurdle to help your daughter overcome is the belief that saying “no” or stating what they won’t do is a confrontation. Many girls avoid speaking up because they don’t want to be confrontational.  But, the truth is, that conveying a boundary can be calm and respectful.  Unlike a confrontation which tends to be aggressive and blaming, stating a boundary is a simple statement of how you feel and what you need.  In the cases of Janice, Cara, and Neda, it might sound something like this: 

Janice:  I won’t be able to make it tonight. I have a really important test to study for but I’d love to join next time. 

Neda: I love spending time with you but it’s also important to me to dedicate time to my friends and my homework.  

Cara: I’m not comfortable with you borrowing my stuff because in the past, I’ve never gotten it back.  

Finally, to help your daughter avoid the people-pleasing trap, it’s important to set a positive example. Show her how you prioritize your core needs and desires,  respectfully saying no or setting boundaries with friends and colleagues.

If your daughter finds it hard to change people-pleasing patterns or your efforts are leading to little or no progress, then it might be time for professional support. My teen and young adult coaching programs help girls build self-awareness, confidence, and assertiveness skills so they can be kind and prosocial without compromising their values and needs.