Have you noticed?  When you ask your daughter a question about her life, her answer is short or dismissive. Where she used to respond with lengthy details, now she shares one-word answers.  

Stifled parent-teen communication can leave you feeling frustrated and confused, especially when you’re striving for a strong, connected relationship with your teen. How can you maintain closeness when she pulls away? How can you offer support when you have little to no idea what’s happening in her life?

In order to open the lines of communication and strengthen the parent-teen relationship, it’s important to understand why your teen holds back and then focus on what you can do to improve your communication. 

Why your teen avoids communicating with you:   

1. She doesn’t always know how to express her thoughts and feelings. 
2. She fears a negative response. 
3. She wants to avoid your judgment. 
4. She worries she will disappoint or upset you and wants to avoid it. 
5. She doesn’t want to answer questions. 

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How to improve your parent-teen communication: 

1.Your daughter is developing emotional intelligence, which includes the ability to regulate her emotions and express herself clearly. EQ does not develop overnight but there are things you can do to support its development (check out this blog for more). In the meantime, do your best to model appropriate emotional expression.  Talk about your feelings. Be vulnerable with her.  Show her through your eyes and body language that you value her unique needs, thoughts, ideas, and opinions. 

2. Do you genuinely delight in your teen’s unique way of being? Many parents meet their teen’s differences with worry or fear. When teens pick up on this, which they almost always do, they start to assume you will judge or respond negatively to anything they share.  Although this is not always the case, it is helpful to approach your teen’s uniqueness intentionally.  Be open, accepting, and curious.  

3. Show her you are listening to understand.  Many teens think their parents don’t listen. Your teen will interpret your effort to relate by sharing stories of your own teen years, as one-upping or trying to make the conversation about you.  When you ask a lot of questions, she quickly feels pressured and shuts down.  But when you listen with the question in your mind, what is it like to be her? And you show her you are listening through eye contact and subtle comments or encouraging affirmations, she not only feels heard, but she feels understood.

4. Reflect back on what you hear.  After your teen opens up, rather than asking questions, offering a solution, or making a sweeping judgment, restate what you heard and ask her if that’s right. This will show her that you are listening and not jumping to quick judgments or overreactions. You might say something like, So, what I understand happened is….. Do I have it right?  It is also helpful to affirm the feelings she’s showing, by saying, It makes sense that you’re feeling….  

5. When your teen is starting to open up, it can be hard to resist asking questions.  Effective communication with teens does not preclude questioning but be mindful of the number and types of questions you ask.  Too many questions can lead to a shutdown.   Asking “why”  questions can lead to frustration. Teens don’t always know the answer to “why,” especially when it relates to something they did. (Teens are impulsive after all!) So, try to frame your questions using the words: What or How. Some examples include: 

• What makes you think that? 

• How did you come to that decision? 

• What is most important now? 

• How does that make you feel? 

• What choices do you have? 

• How can you think about that differently? 

6. Manage your emotions. Teens respond best to even-tempered parents.  Prioritize your own self-care so you can meet your daughter with a calm, centered presence.  If you’re in a conversation with your daughter and notice intense emotions are starting to swell, take a step back before you respond.  Breathe and recenter so you can communicate your feelings in an effective way.  

While you can’t force your teenage daughter to open up to you, you can create an environment and disposition that welcomes communication.  You can take steps to promote her emotional intelligence, be intentional with how you listen and respond, ask thoughtful questions, and control your strong emotions.  

If you would like more support in improving your relationship with your teen, reach out. I teach parents effective ways to communicate, discipline, and connect with their teens.  I help teens and young adults deepen emotional intelligence and build self-esteem so they can effectively communicate and navigate life.